Lab-generated sleep ions: An unlikely explanation for
a commonly observed phenomena.
By William Hovey Smith
leeping Lab. Or so my wife Thresa and I have discovered. We
think that one reason dogs contribute to their owners' longevities
is that dog owners sleep better, and well-rested bodies function
better than those that are sleep deprived.
Since both of us have scientific backgrounds, we decided to investigate
this phenomena, and have developed a highly implausible experimental
hypothesis that appears to explain the sleep-inducing effects
of our Labs. We suspect that Labs produce "sleep ions"
which appear to obey well-known natural laws concerning the generation
and dispersion of particles.
A. The greater the number of sleeping Labs, the larger the number
of sleep ions produced, and the more difficult it is to stay
awake. If you are in the same room with a mother Lab with a dozen
sleeping pups, it is very difficult to escape a nearly overwhelming
desire to sleep. The mother dog seems to be able to communicate
this need to her pups. The entire family that was seconds ago
a tumbling mass of puppies goes to sleep together as if on command.
If their human owners are sitting nearby, they will too.
B. Older, and larger, Labs produce a greater number of sleep
ions per unit of time. Old mother Labs are particularly effective
sleep ion generators. If there is anyone who has a sleep problem,
they should give a good home to an ageing female Lab who is content
to sleep 18-hours a day. These are mellow dogs that make minimum
demands on their owners and only require food, love and moderate
C. Sleep ions accumulate on bedding materials and have a residual
effect that may last for half-an-hour. If a Lab sleeps on a couch
and a person sits on the couch within a half-hour the residual